The End of an Age

We've made many transitions in our lives together, John and I. From friends and costars to "a couple", from a couple to parents, from parents of one to parents of two, to newlyweds, to the parents of three and then four, from Barberton, to Norton, to the Hoosier State. Some of these transitions were intentional, calculated and carefully planned. Others were a little more... shall we say, spontaneous?

This transition feels strange to me partly because the beginning of our childbearing years was a surprise. It was such an unexpected blessing in our lives. What a gift we have been given in this lifetime: effortless conceptions, healthy pregnancies, empowering births and amazing gurus for children. I love the path we have been taken down. I’m so glad it just happened, because I could never have imagined it would be like this. I would not have chosen this life without the universe’s intervention and I could have missed my calling.

John and I had always talked about having four children - more as a joke than an actual goal! After Isabella, we both thought maybe we could be done, but I had this nagging feeling that there was one more. When Isabella was just about a year old, I would hear a baby crying at night when all three children were sound asleep. Sometimes I would get everyone packed up in the car to go somewhere and feel like I was still missing someone. I would ask people how they "knew" they were done having babies. I wondered if having one more would satisfy that need for another baby - if that desire could ever be quenched. I desperately wanted this one last chance at mothering a baby, at giving birth one final time.

Selfishly, I wanted to have the "perfect" birth. Maddie's had been perfect. Isabella's was more difficult - more painful than Maddie's. Instead of getting my perfect birth with Jackson, I got a birth so difficult that it took me to the brink of impossibility. I had to surrender everything and call on a higher power for help. I was humbled. Apparently, it was just what I needed. I didn't need perfection, I needed to give in.

And now, the end of our childbearing years is so deliberate. I encouraged John to have the vasectomy. It's important to do it soon, too, while I still have a baby in my arms and no second thoughts. I know I don't want more than four children. There are already compromises I have to make. Our attention is divided between the four kids and any more would be too many for us. And I am ready to move forward in my life. Ready to use my talents to improve the world we've brought these children into. Ready to have time with just John - to put our relationship on the front burner and finally get that newlywed time we never got!

So, if you can, send some healing energy (and frozen peas, if you have any) to my husband this afternoon as we close this chapter of our lives and look forward to the wide world of possibility that opens up to us!