Underappreciated for both jobs...

Liam asked if he could have a friend in the house to play a board game because they were (get this) too sweaty to keep playing outside. Ah, early May, you trickster you.

Friend: "Wow! Your basement is awesome. Wait. What do your parents do? I mean, what is their job?"

Liam: "Well, my dad is the manager of a health care company. He doesn't own it, he just runs the office in Fort Wayne."

Friend: "Okay, yeah. That's pretty good. Healthcare makes a lot of money. What about your mom?"

Liam: "She's a doula. You know, she helps people have babies."

Friend: "Yeah, I know about that. Okay, how does that pay?"

Liam: [quietly] "Um, I don't think that much."

Friend: "Yeah, I'm thinking your dad's job bought most of this."

Liam: "Yeah, he's gone A LOT."

Friend: "Yeah. Usually the one who's gone the most makes most of the money. All I know is I'd trade my whole *house* for your basement!"

just another manic monday

3:15 pm - pick up Jackson from school.

3:30 pm - arrive home from school. frantically help girls with 5 days worth of missed schoolwork that has to be returned STAT. prepare snacks. change over vacation laundry load 342.

4:30 pm - get everyone prepped to leave. find Jackson's soccer clothes, cleats, shin guards, a size 3 ball that is at least semi-inflated. get Maddie to dress for ballet. have Bella fill up a water bottle for Jackson and grab a snack. wrestle two chairs out of the back of the garage and throw them in the back of the car. change over another load of laundry.

5:02 pm - drop off Jackson at soccer practice that began at 5. leave Bella with him because "parents must remain with preschoolers at all time during practices" and Bella's the closest thing to a parent that we've got available.

5:10 pm - Liam calls from some random kid's cellphone - wondering where I am because I am supposed to pick him up at 5, but no later than 5:15. I say I'm on my way.

5:12 pm - drop off Maddie for ballet class that starts at 5:15.

5:15 pm - pick up Liam from track practice. he announces that he has a band concert (that he just found out about since we were gone the past week in Florida) at 6:30 and he has to be back at school at 6 to prepare.

5:25 pm - run back to Jackson's soccer practice and catch the last few minutes. Jackson has to pee, but there's no time to stop anywhere, so I let him pee under the front of the car, semi-hidden. He thinks it's the best thing he's done all day.

On the drive home, call John - it's too late notice for him to get out of work and get there, so I'm on my own. beg him to pick up something for dinner because my plan to cook has been thwarted by the fact that I won't actually be at home.

5:42 pm - arrive home with Liam, Bella and Jackson. Liam runs in, changes his clothes, puts on deodorant and brushes his teeth (for the love of god and all that's holy), fixes his hair and grabs a snack. everyone pees (except Jackson). walk back out the door.

6 pm - drop off Liam at school.

6:06 pm - pick up Maddie at ballet and break the news that we aren't going back home. call Taj and order carryout. text the man that food has been ordered.

6:10 pm - arrive at Liam's school. schlep the three youngest into the auditorium and find seats. try to keep kids from killing each other and embarrassing me while we wait for the band to go on.

6:30 pm - band goes on. Liam rocks.

6:55 pm - band and choir finish. stumble back out to car with all four kids.

7:15 pm - arrive home at the same time as the husband and the Taj. eat until too full to move. pass out happy.

What? No unconditional love?

When I went to pick up His Dudeness at preschool today, both teachers came to the car to tell me a little story about something he said. The story goes a little somethin' like this:

At school today, Jackson's class was discussing mothers. The teachers asked them to go around the room and say something special that their mother does with them or for them. Some kids said that they go for bike rides and walks, that their moms take them on special dates or make them their favorite meals and snacks. It had the gloss of warm-fuzziness. Then, it came to be Jackson's turn.

Jackson: "My mom cweans my underweaw and takes me to Stharbucks."

You see, it, like, has two meanings.

John comes in from work. The kids had small bowls of trail mix at their places at the table. John walks in, walks to the first bowl of trail mix. (I realize that this is starting to sound like Goldilocks, but bear with me.) He grabs a handful of the trail mix, lifts it to his mouth and pauses.

John: "Wait. Whose snack is this?"

random kid: "Jackson's."

John: "Hey! Jackson! Did you do anything to your nuts?"

Jackson pauses. He looks at John with a handful of trail mix and gets a funny look on his face, like he's not sure how to answer.

Jackson: "Ummmmm... da nuts I'm eating or da nuts I'm wearing?"

Touché

Liam: "Jackson, your character is a black guy. Why is it a black guy?"

Kat: "What do you mean, Liam? He can have whatever character he wants!"

Liam: "Well, he is always trying to make his guy look like him. I'm just wondering why it's a black guy now."

Bella: "Liam! His guy doesn't have to look like him! Yours doesn't look like you. Your head isn't actually on fire." (Liam's "guy" is the comic book character Ghost Rider.)

Show some respect, dude.

At the end of a long day of two kids home from school with a nasty case of snot, and me not quite feeling 100% either...

Kat: "Jackson, would *you* like some applesauce?"

Jackson: "Yeeeeeeeeah, bay-beeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Kat: "I'm sorry. Am I a girl you just picked up in a bar or am I your mother?"

Jackson: [in his high-pitched 'nice voice'] "Maaaaaaaaaaama, may I pweeeeeeeeease have some aaaaaaaaapwesauwce?"

Que?

Bella: [dancing around mindlessly repeating ] "No hablo español. No hablo español. No hablo español. No hablo español."

Maddie: "Bella! Do you know what you're saying?"

Bella: "No. What?"

Maddie: "You're saying 'I don't speak Spanish' over and over again. In Spanish."

Bella: "Oh."

[big pause]

Jackson: "Mom? How do you say 'I just peed in my pants' in Spanish?"

His own biggest fan.

Jackson has developed a new speech pattern. It goes something like this.


Kat: "Hey, Jackson, I'm going to make some sausage for breakfast. How many sausages would you like?"

Jackson: "Ummmmmmmmm... I'd wike five. No, four. No, five. [pause] Heh. Heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh. I said 'I'd wike five.' Heh."


He laughs that snarky laugh and repeats himself multiple times a day. It's starting to get old.

Just let me survive until bedtime.

After today, by all rights, I should be insane or medicated.

Exhibit A:
Things I had to explain during the getting-ready time this morning:

What "virgin" means.
What "screw you" means.
What "f@#% you" means.

Exhibit B:
Jackson was playing a game on PBS kids and kept choosing to play the game "Got Nuts?" over and over again while saying, "I'm going to play 'Got Nuts'! Ahahahahahaha! Got Nuts!"

Exhibit C:
While running errands with Jackson, "Hope It Gives You Hell" came on the radio.
Jackson: "Are dey saying 'haaaail', wike wen its haaaailing outside?"
Kat: "No."
Jackson: "Are dey saying 'help'?"
Kat: "No."
Jackson: "Den what are dey saying?!"
Kat: "Okay! FINE! It's inappropriate for you! I'll change it!"
Jackson: "Good. Can we wisten to "Dweam On wif NPH and Shuster?"

Exhibit D:
Maddie asks to search about Native Americans. She sits down to Google search (always a nerve-wracking experience to have kids wandering around on Google...
Maddie: "Mom, whatdoeshornomean?"
Kat: [long pause] "I'm sorry. What did you just say?"
Maddie: "Horno. Horno. Like an adobe clay horno?"

Exhibit E:
Got a call from the principal at Maddie and Bella's school to follow up on a concern I shared over email this morning. Best part of the whole conversation: "The other child admitted to saying 'screw you', but said that she had no idea what it meant. Bella said she didn't know either, so she asked Maddie."

Punchline:
Maddie: "Bella, screw you means the same as 'f-you'."
Bella: "What does 'f-you' mean?"
Maddie: "Ohhhhh, you're going to have to ask mom that one."

Notes from the trenches

Jackson went upstairs to get dressed. He came back down wearing corduroy pants and a casual shirt.

Jackson: "Mama? Dis is my wast pair of pants. All dad's weft is short pants and a pair of pants dat are kinda fancy, you know, wike for a wedding?"


Liam was trying to call the house from school and couldn't get through. The secretary tried and that time, it rang and I answered. She told me who she was and handed the phone to Liam.

Liam: "Mom, just so you know, I did not do anything wrong and I am not in trouble."