Pulp Fiction, anyone?

You might say that the stress level at the house is a little higher than usual. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Ohio. We have to be packed for 9 days, 5 parties and Christmas, including gifts for exchanging in Ohio. When we return home, Santa will have already come.

The children seem to sense this and adjust their behavior accordingly. They adjust it to code red a#$hole. I have yelled more in the last two days than in the previous two months.

Kat (exasperated): "If I have to tell you guys to stop running and stop screaming one more time, my head will explode!"

Jackson walks into my office and sits down in my lap. He puts his hand on my face.

Jackson: "I don' wan' yer hed to esplode. Den my face will be aw messeee."

Kink in the hose

Jackson has always been the kind of kid who stripped down naked to pee. He also mounted the toilet seat backward, like a horse. He would sit facing the toilet tank. Recently, he grew tired of taking off his shoes to pee, which I can totally understand. He noticed that John stood at the toilet to pee. He was fascinated by this and started saying "I 'tand up, wike Daddy. I 'tand up, mama!"

We had some discussions about the toilet seat rules: stand to pee - lift the seat. Sit to pee - leave the seat down. I thought that I had adequately addressed the standing to pee etiquette.

I was getting ready for a holiday party with my doula network. Jackson from the kitchen into the bathroom. A moment or two later, I hear...

Jackson: "Aw, man!"

I go into the bathroom and he is standing at the toilet. He looks up at me.

Jackson: [sigh] "I pee in my haiw, mom!"

I look down and sure enough, his bangs on the left side of his face are wet. I also notice that he didn't get himself completely out of his pants. Instead, his penis was pinched in the waistband of the pants, pointing straight up - kind of like when you pinch the end of a hose. I also noticed that the entire wall to his left was dripping wet. It took me a good three minutes to stop laughing and explain the scene to the rest of the family in the kitchen. Once we all laughed and Jackson realized I wasn't mad, he thought it was quite funny too.

Oh god. She doesn't even know what decade.

Bella: "Mom? What year were you born? 19... 18... What?"

That's my girl.

I've added a new service to my doula business. I have been learning to turn the placenta into a nutritional supplement. It is steamed, dehydrated, ground and then put into capsules. In the Chinese medicine tradition, taking the placenta capsules can help prevent postpartum depression and help support the milk supply.

I went last night to finish a placenta encapsulation with my most recent client. The kids were interested in what I was doing. Maddie was particularly interested in the details and if I had "eaten" the placenta after our babies were born. (Unfortunately, I didn't know about placenta encapsulation after having our kids.)

Tonight, we were driving a few girls to gymnastics. Maddie sat in the front and the three girls were chatting in the back. One of the girls was telling a story about a "friend" of hers whose "cousin" had a baby and decided the baby wasn't cute. So, she handed the baby to a visitor to hold and then she left and never came back. Now, of course, these are the kinds of stories kids tell and repeat, so I didn't say anything. Then they started talking about pregnancy and how they wished you could just get a baby, but they didn't want to have to be pregnant or "have" the baby. I said that both are fun. We chatted a little bit more. I said that the woman who left her baby sounds like she was depressed and that can happen sometimes after having a baby. Sometimes people need some help after having a baby.

Maddie: "She needed some of those placenta vitamins you make. And a doula."

Gross anatomy

Jackson seems to have a little bit of a stomach bug. I thought initially he ate too much Indian food. I picked him up today and buckled him in the car.

Kat: "How's your belly feel?"

Jackson: "It feews yuckeee."

Kat: "Awwww. It does?"

Jackson: "Missaddie sez dat I hab dia... dia... a poop diary."


At school today, Jackson asked his teacher if she has heard of "Golddigger". (The kids absolutely love the version of Golddigger from the Glee soundtrack.) Addie hadn't heard of it. Her husband came in and he hadn't really heard of it either. They looked it up on iTunes and found it.

Addie (to her husband): "It's not by Kanye West, is it? It can't be by Kanye West."

Jackson: "NO! It's by Gwee! It's by Gwee!"

Addie scrolled down and saw the version of "Golddigger" by the Glee Cast. She was amazed. She said that she couldn't believe that she was being introduced to new music by a three year old. She downloaded it and played it for the kids. They begged for her to play it again while they decorated their Christmas cookies. The kids danced and bopped their heads. Jackson, at one point, put his hand behind his head and broke out the half-sprinkler move. That's my boy. Livin' the thug life.

Close. Really close.

Bella (singing): "You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Connor and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

Nelson Mandela, eat your heart out.

Bella: "You know how girls make groups of 'sassy threes'?"

Kat: "I'm not sure what you mean."

Bella: "You know, like, when they are just a group of three girls and they don't want to be friends with anyone else and they act really sassy?"

Kat: "Yeah. Sadly, grownups do that too."

Bella: "Well, these three girls were acting like they didn't want to be friends with me because all three of them were black and I'm not. So, I said, 'Guys, I thought we all decided a long time ago that black people and white people can all be friends!' I thought that was really rude."