Mood swings

The Dude has been a little moody lately.  Could be a growth spurt, could be immune system down, could be not enough sleep, could be too much Halloween candy.  Either way, he's like a time bomb the last few days.

Today, the horrible injustice the Universe bestowed upon him was: he didn't like his oatmeal with kefir in it.  He usually has it with milk and maple syrup and I suggested he try it with kefir this time.  He got it all set up, tried it, and cried.  I offered him solutions and he chose to try to rinse the kefir off of the oatmeal.  So, we got a strainer out, rinsed the bowl, spoon and oatmeal and put it all back together.

Kat: "Jackson, you know that what I'm doing right now is exceptional, right?  I'm taking time to help you fix the problem." 

Jackson: (moping) "Yes, mama.  I know dat."

He sits back down, we re-assemble the oatmeal the usual way and warm it up.  He sits down and begins eating in silence.

After a long pause, Jackson: "Thank you, mama.  I'm sowwy I yewwed."

I could see how you could get that.

Jackson: "I sink I know why dey call dis 'A-1 Sauce'."

John: "Why?"

Jackson: (pointing to the bottle) "'Cause it has an 'A' here and a '1" here.  And 'cause it's 'sauce'."



We were discussing a child Liam knows who has a bit of an attitude.

Liam: "Well, don't ask him if he's seen 'Snoop-Dog Millionaire'."

Kat: "Um.  Don't you mean 'Slumdog Millionaire'?"

I do not think it means what you think it means.

Kat: "Jackson, do you need to use the bathroom?"

Jackson: "Ummmmm, yeah.  But I need some books."

Kat: "Okay, would you like me to get you some books and meet you in the bathroom?"

Jackson: "Um, yeah.  I want the Frankenstein Bears books.  I think we have, like, six of 'em."

Well played, Bella. Well played.

Bella was taking pictures of John walking around in his underwear, getting changed after work. John caught her taking the picture.

John: "If you take pictures of me like that and send them to anybody, I will end you. You do not want to play the game of 'who can embarrass each other more' with me..."

Bella: (interrupting) "I'm not! I can't send it to anybody, anyway."

John: "...because I don't go to school and you do. It would be waaaay too easy to embarrass you."

Bella: "Well, you do go to work. And you're the boss."

Back to school

I took Jackson to his first day of preschool yesterday. I took him into his classroom and the assistant showed him where to put his things away. I got ready to leave and hugged him to say goodbye. As I pulled away from the hug, he whispered, "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do."



Despite the fact that I drive Jackson to the Montessori school that he attends, he wanted to walk to the bus stop where the other three kids get picked up every morning. So, he put his backpack on and walked to the end of our road. I came and picked him up and played "bus driver", asking him his name and how things were going. When we got back home, he asked me to let him off at the bus stop and he walked home.



Maddie was talking about applying to be on the Student Council.

Liam: "Student Council is really boring. All they do is talk about trying to improve the school and junk like that."

Random thoughts from random Hickeys

Yesterday was our day to pick up the CSA boxes at the farm. When we loaded the 18th watermelon into the car, The Dude exclaimed, "Mama! Where are we going to put all these watermelons in the house?!?!"



I was talking with Maddie over the weekend after attending a friend's blessingway. We were discussing how it can be difficult to be "different" in a world that values "sameness" and how to both fit in and still be your own individual self.


Kat: "The thing is: most people don't think about the world the way we do."


Maddie: "I think the thing is: most people don't think about the world."

Those weird people who get married, THEN have kids...

Maddie, Bella and I are driving to a party. We are discussing my brother Paul's upcoming wedding. Background: Maddie and Liam were the flower girl and ring bearer in our wedding. My brother, Kevin, had his wife's son, Logan, as the ring bearer in their wedding, and then went on to adopt Logan not long after.

Bella: "So, I'm the flower girl. Is there anyone else?"

Kat: "No, just Logan."

Bella: "Logan's a *flower girl*?!"

Kat: "No. Logan is the ring bearer and you are the flower girl."

Bella: "So, why is it us?"

I prepared to give an explanation about Logan and Bella being their Uncle Paul's godchildren, but Maddie beat me to the punch.

Maddie: "Well, Paul and Linda don't have their own kids yet, so they have to have someone else's kids be in their wedding."

Douchebag kids

Please pardon the indelicate language, but I really don't have another word for it that doesn't involve profanity. We also often refer to these kids as "shit-head" kids, too. I posted an article on Facebook about a week ago that really addressed this issue well. (http://www.details.com/sex-relationships/marriage-and-kids/200711/are-you-raising-a-douchebag?currentPage=1) Then, we hosted an end of school party for Maddie and about eleven of her friends. We got to see this behavior in action and it was spectacular.

There was one particular child who really stood out in this realm. I will attempt to defend my diagnosis of this behavior with examples below. Keep in mind that this child is going into 6th grade.

Exhibit A:

Maddie carefully planned the food and drink for the party. We had some foods that were what we call "compromise foods". For parties, we don't serve hard-core paleo or all grass-fed meat, unless that is the eating style of all the attendees. We thought that all-beef hot dogs, beef sliders, fruits and veggies, chips and dip and pretzels were a good compromise - kids would eat it and we didn't have to feel bad about serving it. Since we don't allow our kids to have soda, we put out lemonade, water, real fruit juice and we made a sparkling juice drink with sparkling water and juice concentrate. Kind of like an Izze, but without the price tag and all those bottles.

The Kid: [looks at the drinks set out on the counter] What is there to drink?

Kat: [gesturing to the counter in front of him] "Right here. Take your pick."

The Kid: "Ummmmmm... don't you have any Pepsi?!?"

Kat: "Nope, sorry. We don't serve pop to kids. The drink in the pitcher is sweet and carbonated, if you want to try that."

The Kid: [sighs] "That's all right." [walks away]



Exhibit B:

We had told the kids to bring their bathing suits because we would have a water balloon fight, sprinklers, etc. The Kid brought a water gun to share in the water festivities. The weather was a little iffy and it thunderstormed right after everyone arrived, then cleared up after about an hour.

The Kid: "When are we going to the pool?"

Kat: "We aren't planning to go to the pool today."

The Kid: "Then, why he was I supposed to bring my bathing suit?!"

Kat: "Ummmm... because of the water games and the water gun you brought?"

The Kid: "I really wanted to go down to the pool."

Kat: "Yeah. We're staying here tonight."


About an hour later...

The Kid returns with another kid.

The Kid: "We're going to go down to the pool."

Kat: "Um, you can't just go down to the pool. You have to be 14 years old and a resident of our neighborhood to go to the pool alone."

The Kid: "Well, we'll just walk down there and check it out, then."

Kat: "No. You're not going to walk down there and check it out. You were invited to a party here and I am responsible for you. If you would like to go somewhere else, you can call and ask someone to come pick you up."

The Kid looks stunned. He turns and walks away.



Exhibit C - and my favorite

Maddie had baked some cookies and also planned to do s'mores outside at the fireplace. She planned it all out and had everything displayed neatly. The kids were outside making s'mores, happily eating and laughing. Suddenly, Bella enters with The Kid following close behind. They open the fridge and stand in front of it.

Bella: "Well, what do you want? Coconut, goat, what?"

The Kid: "Regular."

Bella: "What do you mean?"

The Kid: "You know, regular milk."

Bella: "What's regular? Like goat milk?"

The Kid: [starting to get irritated] "What?!? NO! I *said* I want *regular milk*!"

Bella: [getting equally irritated] "Would you just tell me what 'regular milk' means to you?!?!"


I desperately wanted to intervene and tell her that 'regular milk' was store-bought cow's milk and that we didn't have any. But I couldn't stop laughing.


So, folks. What do you think? Is my diagnosis accurate?

Slowly breaking him down

Bella: "Jackson, do you want to take a bath with me?" (she nods, like a car salesman does when they want you to say yes)

Jackson: "No, thanks!"

Bella: "I'll play 'Dream On' on the iPod during the bath..."

Jackson: "No, thanks."

Bella: "I'll let you put any toys you want in the bath *and* I'll play 'Dream On',"

Jackson: "Naaaaaahhhhh..."

Bella: "Okay. I'll let you have one of my toppings at the frozen yogurt place *and* we can put dragons in the bath tub *and* I'll play 'Dream On'."

Jackson: (sigh) "Oooooookay."

Underappreciated for both jobs...

Liam asked if he could have a friend in the house to play a board game because they were (get this) too sweaty to keep playing outside. Ah, early May, you trickster you.

Friend: "Wow! Your basement is awesome. Wait. What do your parents do? I mean, what is their job?"

Liam: "Well, my dad is the manager of a health care company. He doesn't own it, he just runs the office in Fort Wayne."

Friend: "Okay, yeah. That's pretty good. Healthcare makes a lot of money. What about your mom?"

Liam: "She's a doula. You know, she helps people have babies."

Friend: "Yeah, I know about that. Okay, how does that pay?"

Liam: [quietly] "Um, I don't think that much."

Friend: "Yeah, I'm thinking your dad's job bought most of this."

Liam: "Yeah, he's gone A LOT."

Friend: "Yeah. Usually the one who's gone the most makes most of the money. All I know is I'd trade my whole *house* for your basement!"

just another manic monday

3:15 pm - pick up Jackson from school.

3:30 pm - arrive home from school. frantically help girls with 5 days worth of missed schoolwork that has to be returned STAT. prepare snacks. change over vacation laundry load 342.

4:30 pm - get everyone prepped to leave. find Jackson's soccer clothes, cleats, shin guards, a size 3 ball that is at least semi-inflated. get Maddie to dress for ballet. have Bella fill up a water bottle for Jackson and grab a snack. wrestle two chairs out of the back of the garage and throw them in the back of the car. change over another load of laundry.

5:02 pm - drop off Jackson at soccer practice that began at 5. leave Bella with him because "parents must remain with preschoolers at all time during practices" and Bella's the closest thing to a parent that we've got available.

5:10 pm - Liam calls from some random kid's cellphone - wondering where I am because I am supposed to pick him up at 5, but no later than 5:15. I say I'm on my way.

5:12 pm - drop off Maddie for ballet class that starts at 5:15.

5:15 pm - pick up Liam from track practice. he announces that he has a band concert (that he just found out about since we were gone the past week in Florida) at 6:30 and he has to be back at school at 6 to prepare.

5:25 pm - run back to Jackson's soccer practice and catch the last few minutes. Jackson has to pee, but there's no time to stop anywhere, so I let him pee under the front of the car, semi-hidden. He thinks it's the best thing he's done all day.

On the drive home, call John - it's too late notice for him to get out of work and get there, so I'm on my own. beg him to pick up something for dinner because my plan to cook has been thwarted by the fact that I won't actually be at home.

5:42 pm - arrive home with Liam, Bella and Jackson. Liam runs in, changes his clothes, puts on deodorant and brushes his teeth (for the love of god and all that's holy), fixes his hair and grabs a snack. everyone pees (except Jackson). walk back out the door.

6 pm - drop off Liam at school.

6:06 pm - pick up Maddie at ballet and break the news that we aren't going back home. call Taj and order carryout. text the man that food has been ordered.

6:10 pm - arrive at Liam's school. schlep the three youngest into the auditorium and find seats. try to keep kids from killing each other and embarrassing me while we wait for the band to go on.

6:30 pm - band goes on. Liam rocks.

6:55 pm - band and choir finish. stumble back out to car with all four kids.

7:15 pm - arrive home at the same time as the husband and the Taj. eat until too full to move. pass out happy.

What? No unconditional love?

When I went to pick up His Dudeness at preschool today, both teachers came to the car to tell me a little story about something he said. The story goes a little somethin' like this:

At school today, Jackson's class was discussing mothers. The teachers asked them to go around the room and say something special that their mother does with them or for them. Some kids said that they go for bike rides and walks, that their moms take them on special dates or make them their favorite meals and snacks. It had the gloss of warm-fuzziness. Then, it came to be Jackson's turn.

Jackson: "My mom cweans my underweaw and takes me to Stharbucks."

You see, it, like, has two meanings.

John comes in from work. The kids had small bowls of trail mix at their places at the table. John walks in, walks to the first bowl of trail mix. (I realize that this is starting to sound like Goldilocks, but bear with me.) He grabs a handful of the trail mix, lifts it to his mouth and pauses.

John: "Wait. Whose snack is this?"

random kid: "Jackson's."

John: "Hey! Jackson! Did you do anything to your nuts?"

Jackson pauses. He looks at John with a handful of trail mix and gets a funny look on his face, like he's not sure how to answer.

Jackson: "Ummmmm... da nuts I'm eating or da nuts I'm wearing?"

Touché

Liam: "Jackson, your character is a black guy. Why is it a black guy?"

Kat: "What do you mean, Liam? He can have whatever character he wants!"

Liam: "Well, he is always trying to make his guy look like him. I'm just wondering why it's a black guy now."

Bella: "Liam! His guy doesn't have to look like him! Yours doesn't look like you. Your head isn't actually on fire." (Liam's "guy" is the comic book character Ghost Rider.)

Show some respect, dude.

At the end of a long day of two kids home from school with a nasty case of snot, and me not quite feeling 100% either...

Kat: "Jackson, would *you* like some applesauce?"

Jackson: "Yeeeeeeeeah, bay-beeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Kat: "I'm sorry. Am I a girl you just picked up in a bar or am I your mother?"

Jackson: [in his high-pitched 'nice voice'] "Maaaaaaaaaaama, may I pweeeeeeeeease have some aaaaaaaaapwesauwce?"

Que?

Bella: [dancing around mindlessly repeating ] "No hablo español. No hablo español. No hablo español. No hablo español."

Maddie: "Bella! Do you know what you're saying?"

Bella: "No. What?"

Maddie: "You're saying 'I don't speak Spanish' over and over again. In Spanish."

Bella: "Oh."

[big pause]

Jackson: "Mom? How do you say 'I just peed in my pants' in Spanish?"

His own biggest fan.

Jackson has developed a new speech pattern. It goes something like this.


Kat: "Hey, Jackson, I'm going to make some sausage for breakfast. How many sausages would you like?"

Jackson: "Ummmmmmmmm... I'd wike five. No, four. No, five. [pause] Heh. Heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh. I said 'I'd wike five.' Heh."


He laughs that snarky laugh and repeats himself multiple times a day. It's starting to get old.

Just let me survive until bedtime.

After today, by all rights, I should be insane or medicated.

Exhibit A:
Things I had to explain during the getting-ready time this morning:

What "virgin" means.
What "screw you" means.
What "f@#% you" means.

Exhibit B:
Jackson was playing a game on PBS kids and kept choosing to play the game "Got Nuts?" over and over again while saying, "I'm going to play 'Got Nuts'! Ahahahahahaha! Got Nuts!"

Exhibit C:
While running errands with Jackson, "Hope It Gives You Hell" came on the radio.
Jackson: "Are dey saying 'haaaail', wike wen its haaaailing outside?"
Kat: "No."
Jackson: "Are dey saying 'help'?"
Kat: "No."
Jackson: "Den what are dey saying?!"
Kat: "Okay! FINE! It's inappropriate for you! I'll change it!"
Jackson: "Good. Can we wisten to "Dweam On wif NPH and Shuster?"

Exhibit D:
Maddie asks to search about Native Americans. She sits down to Google search (always a nerve-wracking experience to have kids wandering around on Google...
Maddie: "Mom, whatdoeshornomean?"
Kat: [long pause] "I'm sorry. What did you just say?"
Maddie: "Horno. Horno. Like an adobe clay horno?"

Exhibit E:
Got a call from the principal at Maddie and Bella's school to follow up on a concern I shared over email this morning. Best part of the whole conversation: "The other child admitted to saying 'screw you', but said that she had no idea what it meant. Bella said she didn't know either, so she asked Maddie."

Punchline:
Maddie: "Bella, screw you means the same as 'f-you'."
Bella: "What does 'f-you' mean?"
Maddie: "Ohhhhh, you're going to have to ask mom that one."

Notes from the trenches

Jackson went upstairs to get dressed. He came back down wearing corduroy pants and a casual shirt.

Jackson: "Mama? Dis is my wast pair of pants. All dad's weft is short pants and a pair of pants dat are kinda fancy, you know, wike for a wedding?"


Liam was trying to call the house from school and couldn't get through. The secretary tried and that time, it rang and I answered. She told me who she was and handed the phone to Liam.

Liam: "Mom, just so you know, I did not do anything wrong and I am not in trouble."

The ride home from school with The Dude

Kat: "Jackson, what did you have for snack today?"

Jackson: "A cupcake."

Kat: "Is that on our program?"

Jackson: "Yeah, I sink so. I picked banilla."

Kat: "Did you pick vanilla because you thought it was a better choice?"

Jackson: "Yeah! You know, chocowate? It's a wot more candy-ish."



Jackson: "I asked my fwend at school to smell my breaf today and do you know what she said? She said it smewwed wike a wock star."

Captivity is captivity

Jackson was asking about our old house (the one in which he was born).

Jackson: "Mom, was dere a fan in my room at da old house?"

Kat: "Jackson, you didn't have your own room at the old house."

Jackson: "But I was born in dat house!"

Kat: "Yes, but there were only three bedrooms. One for me and daddy, one for Liam and one for Maddie and Bella."

Jackson: "Yeah, but I swept in your room. In my crate. You know, in the crate dat babies sweep in?"

Little Adults

Maddie was at ballet and Liam was staying after school for pep band. We had a pile of apples that were going bad, so I decided to throw on some applesauce. Jackson and Bella really wanted to help. Jackson got to work right away peeling, but his technique nearly gave me a heart attack. I gave him a good knife instead and after the apple quarters were peeled, his job was to cut them into chunks and put them in the pan. He did an incredible job, keeping his other hand out of the way of the knife. It was the first time he had really used a sharp knife and I was impressed.

Bella hopped in and started peeling the apples with a peeler. She had a better technique, and she has cut up her own apples many times, so I felt comfortable. Jackson showed no worry about the sharp instruments, but Bella was worried, both for herself and for Jackson. Not surprisingly, she cut herself. As she started to bleed, Jackson perked up. "You cut yerself, Bewwa? You wan me to get my firs aid kit?" She nodded and he ran upstairs to get it. When he came down with it, Bella sat at the table and he came to her. As he rummaged through his first aid kit, he said, "Don' wowwy, Bewwa. Yull be fine."